Understanding You, Understanding Me: The Power Of Ethical Persuasion

HYG-5289-95

Joan M. Reid

Anyone who lives, works or rubs elbows in any way with other people (and who doesn't?) knows that it's important to be able to communicate with those people. We usually can communicate our thoughts and ideas pretty well, but fail to communicate clearly our feelings. Between people, strong feelings can easily escalate a simple misunderstanding into a senseless battle of wills.

In the business world, feelings are usually ignored or minimized. Strong feelings are viewed as unprofessional, something that should be expressed only at home or in intimate relationships. Is there a place for the expression of our feelings at work, school and in other business-type dealings? According to Dr. Tom Rusk in his book, The Power of Ethical Persuasion, not only is there a place for it, but unless we can recognize the importance that feelings play in our daily communications, personal and professional, we can not truly understand others or be understood by others. Relationships are based on feelings, even when feelings aren't apparent. Dr. Rusk believes the key to all kinds of relationships is how feelings are experienced, managed, and communicated. Communication breaks down dramatically whenever strong feelings, good or bad, get in the way.

There are many popular books on negotiating and problem-solving. However, Dr. Rusk says his book is different in that it is the first one to offer a step-by-step technique to achieve understanding, which has three important aspects. First, the deeper the understanding you have of yourself, the greater will be the energy, confidence, and authentic personal morality you bring to decision making. Second, the deeper the understanding you have with anyone else, the greater will be the creativity and flexibility the two (or more) of you will enjoy along the way to problem solving. Finally, the more each person feels understood, the greater the resonance between you, which will inspire increased cooperation and stability in the relationship.

According to Dr. Rusk, there never was or never will be a better basic communication strategy than The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Ethical Persuasion (EP) is Dr. Rusk's practical, strategic method of applying the Golden Rule to every kind of important communication in order to foster long-term, trusting relationships. EP is designed to foster the values of respect, understanding, caring, and fairness.

Here is a brief description of the purpose of each phase and the steps involved.

Phase 1: Exploring the Other Person's Viewpoint

The emphasis in this phase is on exploring fully what the other person has to say. The steps counteract the natural tendency to react to another's point of view without really understanding that person.

Establish that your immediate goal is mutual understanding, not problem solving.
Elicit the other person's thoughts, feelings, and desires about the subject at hand.
Ask for the other person's help in understanding him or her. Try not to defend or disagree.
Repeat the other person's position in your own words to show you understand.
Ask the other person to correct your understanding and keep restating his or her position.
Refer back to your position only to keep things going.
Repeat steps 1 through 6 until the other person unreservedly agrees that you understand his or her position.

Phase 2: Explaining Your Viewpoint

This phase involves expressing your views, feelings, concerns, and fears. Since you already know the other person's views you can start to incorporate his or her perspective into yours. Honest sharing can bring people into a closer relationship.

Ask for a fair hearing in return.
Begin with an explanation of how the other person's thoughts and feelings affect you. Avoid blaming and self- defense as much as possible.
Carefully explain your thoughts, desires, and feelings as your truth, not the truth.
Ask for restatements of your position -- and corrections of any factual inaccuracies -- as necessary.
Review your respective positions.

Phase 3: Creating Resolutions

The deeper the understanding you can develop during the first two phases, the more likely the final phase is to take care of itself. Practical solutions may become obvious to everyone involved without having to be formally pursued. When solutions are not immediately obvious, the following steps will provide a practical framework for creating them.

Affirm your mutual understanding and confirm that you are both ready to consider options for resolution.
Brainstorm multiple options.
If a mutually agreeable solution is not yet obvious, try one or more of the following options:

Take time out to reconsider, consult, exchange proposals, and reconvene.
Agree to neutral arbitration, mediation, or counseling.
Compromise between alternate solutions.
"Take turns" between alternate solutions.
Yield (for now) once your position is thoroughly and respectfully considered.
Assert your positional power after thoroughly and respectfully considering their position.
Agree to disagree and still respect each other; then, if you can, go your separate ways on the particular issue.

Using Ethical Persuasion is not easy, nor does it come naturally. It is a skill that, when practiced and groomed, allows us to continue through a process of growth. Dr. Rusk's book carefully explains how to use the process and is heavily sprinkled with examples from his years of psychotherapy. He includes extensive explanation of his philosophy behind EP. Also, Dr. Rusk devotes a large portion of the book to the application of the process in different settings: intimate relationships, the workplace, and the family.

Beyond the reach of our immediate world, Dr. Rusk sees implications for the use (or disuse) of this process on our society.

"The struggle of humanity toward democracy can be compared to the struggle of individual human beings toward their own spiritual maturity: We know deep within that our well-being and happiness depend on intimacy, fairness, and communion with each other, but the temptation to react to life's daily difficulties with blame, self-defensiveness, and power-grabbing seems irresistible. It is difficult to imagine the whole human race evolving toward a peaceful and equitable future if we cannot feel ourselves growing more respectful, understanding, caring, and fair in our everyday relationships". Tom Rusk, M.D.

Source: Rusk, Tom. (1993). The Power of Ethical Persuasion. New York: Viking.

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